tiistai 12. tammikuuta 2016

Sorry to have kept you waiting

So there has been many times for me to start writing here again. Many times I opened my blog to start writing but every time my fingers stoped moving, or I lost all of my thoughts but now I finally think I can do this.

I surely missed writing in here, I missed all the comments and I missed the feeling of excitement of telling you something that happened or something that I bought or just something.

Many of you have asked if I stopped complitely and some time in this 1,5 years I thought so too. I thought I would never be able to get myself to write again. I even tried to make a video of explaining all of this but in the end I just deleted it and I think now it's the time to try to explaine most of the reasons why I just didn't feel like my blog was anything important anymore.

On 11.2013  we got bad news with Milla (my girlfriend) that her mother has ALS. I think most of you know what it is because of the huge ice bucket challenge that started to go on about the same time as her mother got the diagnosis of her ALS. Even thought her mother wasn't my own, it still hit me pretty hard to know that soon my girlfriend would not have a mother and on top of that she doesn't have a father eather. We both got so sick and tired of the challenge because it felt like the matter was rubbed against our faces, we watched maybe the first 10 challenges, then there were suddenly a huge mass of people who did it, not all did it for good, some only for the fame (even tho the challenge was for good we were so sicked and tired).

At that time I also got so anguished because of Milla's sisters tried to make me their mothers personal care taker (since I am a nurse), it felt like they pushed me too much. I cried because I didn't want to do it and Milla knew I would not be able to maintaine my curret state of mind if I would do it, because of what happened when I was a trainee at a hospital. I am glad I said no I would have lost my mind.

ALS took her mother in a year, so before christmas of 2014 she was gone. I felt so horrible that we didn't visit her mother often and I know my gf feels that way too. I was scared, because in the end her mother couldn't walk, talk she couldn't do anything she normaly did, I was scared to see her, I was scared because everytime we went there I felt like bursting into tears. In the end now I feel little bit happier to know that she is not in pain, she can walk in heaven, laugh and be herself in there, she doesn't have to rely on machines.

At this time I still did write a little bit in here, but you know I stopped writing before she passed but I had problems of my own too. When I started my studies in Vaasa, I totally lost myself. I lost my 

self-confidence I lost all of me. I pushed myself too hard, I was sad because I didn't get friends from school. I thought there was something wrong with me that I hated myself.

When my second year in school started (2013) I just realized that my (new) schoolmates were just plain assholes who just liked to pick on the "kids" that are different than themselfs. they called me insaine, fat etc. They didn't even find sympathy in them when my friend passed away on the end of 2013. the first year in school my schoolmates were caring and really nice people. Some of them turned out to be on the same class as me next year and they were complitely different this time.

I also got stalked in a supermarket and that person wrote in online what I had bought from there. I started to have panick attacks and social
anxiety/phobia. I locked myself into our apartment, gained weight and I was scared to go outside. I thought everyone hated me. However I did get couple friend from school (you know who you are) and I still like them thank you for making my school year a little bit better. I also got a really good friend from one trainee place. So it all ended well I graduated with good grades but I still have some anxiety left in me.

The cherry on top of this cake was when one of my longest friends passed away with cancer last year on march. I still remeber the text message my friend send me while I was skiing with the kids from my work I felt like shit and started crying in the middle of the kids. She strougled with that cancer for so many years and sadly the cancer was the one which won the case. I still feel so sad to loose someone as bright as her and I wish I would have been able to see her more ofthen and that I would have talked to her more, but I never talk with my friends that much.

So these are the reasons  I fel like shit for the past 2 years and why I felt like blogging was nothing to me anymore. Now that all this sadness has been told I can start writing about the happy things again. For example...


I promise that next time I write in here it'll be about all the positive things that have happened and it wont take me 1,5 years to write it.